“I need an army,” said the old Wizard, absent-mindedly, to himself. “Where am I gonna find an army? My spells are weak and I haven’t been practicing them enough. I need an army to solve this problem,” he said to no one in particular, to the shadows on the walls, to the cobwebs in the corner.
“If I am going to overtake the spooks infiltrating my castle I need to enlist an army of magical creatures to battle their feeble attempts to plague me!”
So, old Wiley Willard the wizard began rummaging through his books of spells in his library to conjure up suitable infantry personnel to do the job. He called on a few witches in the village who were friends to help him and the battle challenge had now begun.
“I’ll gladly help you,” said Weeza O’Willow. The old witch cackled, as if this would be fun. “You are going to owe me, you know that. But, I can’t pass up the chance to churn up some witchery fire to placate my primal hunger of beating down these spooks that haven’t been tamed yet. They need to know who is in charge, here!”
Willard and Weeza began their plan to enlist an army to beat down the spooky ghosts playing havoc in the castle. They found zombie skeletons, hairless albino bats, six-foot black widow spider men, burrowing worms, and a scorpion as big as a house! They enlisted huge glowing lightning bugs, invisible rabbits, statues with laser eyes, slithering snakes and old army tanks.
Weeza cackled and schemed, her eyes danced and beamed thinking how much fun this battle was going to be. Willard scoured spells and conjured supernatural beings, he relearned incantations and honed his neglected skills. They both laughed with glee, imagining how those ghosts were going to flee once they were set upon by Willard’s army.
Outside the castle they gathered their army. Lines of wolves to scout the demons, rows of skeletons for ghostly cannon fodder, the black widow spider men would climb the walls and shoot their magic webs. So many ways to catch a ghost!
The night grew dark and menacing as the phantom moon glided across the sky with clouds and winds whistling. The trees outside howled and the air grew dank and moldy as the ghosts gathered atop the castle and the magic army waited for their orders.
Willard raised his rugged red flag and shouted for the wolves to enter the castle. They raced through the halls and the rooms with ravaged breath and lolling tongues hunting out the spooks. The albino bats entered next burrowing their tiny bodies into nooks and crannies as they blindly struggled and flew to meet their challengers. The ghosts soared in and out of the castle on milky wings floating sideways and folding their slinking bodies to evade poisonous jaws and teeth. They didn’t attack, but simply avoided contact with the aggressive beasts.
Willard’s flag went up signaling the slithering serpents and burrowing worms to dig deeper into the walls and ceilings and floors to flush out the spooks and then the appointed statues within and without the castle could shoot their magic laser beams to knock down the ghosts. The black widow spider men jumped into the castle with their wily webs to catch the ghosts in their charmed nets and bag them as hostages.
Still, the ghosts kept appearing and dancing above the mangy army, side-stepping and floating this way and that.
“Let’s get out the scorpion, Willard!” Weeza squawked with delight.
“That would be certain doom to the castle, Weeza! It will trample and cave it in!”
“Naw, it will get those ghostly gizzards once and for all!”
The zombie skeletons clumsily trailed into the castle tripping and falling as they grappled and struggled to claw and eat the spooks, but the ghosts were too quick for them. Invisible rabbits were sneakily let loose and they skittered and scattered to find the vanished spirits.
As the apparitions flitted out into the night air tanks shot booming rounds of ammunition to blow them up and scatter their remains like puffs of smoke over the castle. Some of the rounds pulverized castle windows and walls, as well.
Willard rifled through his spell books to find more possible ways to capture and kill the spooks. His wizard brain was pickled as to what to do next. Weeza wanted the scorpion.
“Bring on the scorpion! That will end it all!”
The scorpion stood two stories tall and four stories long, ready and waiting. He waved his poisonous tail sack as a warning. He could end this war.
The castle was becoming a dilapidated mess from all the creatures burrowing and running through it. Walls were collapsing and all the contents were strewn about the rooms hardly recognizable. Most of the ghosts were captured or killed, but more continued to appear above the castle. Finally, Willard let loose the huge scorpion!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The enormous terrestrial arachnid stomped into the castle, waving his bulging tail. Its huge pincers clawed and raked the walls and windows smashing all the fixtures and soon the first and second floors caved into the dungeon!
“Hahahahahahaha!” wailed Weeza, “Look at him go! Now those blimey spooks are gonna get it!”
Willard looked on as he saw his beautiful home being demolished by the scorpion. True, the ghosts were being thrashed, but what good was that if he had nowhere to live? He looked forlornly down at his volumes of spells and incantations and noticed one book opened to a helpful page: ‘How to Vacate Ghosts from your Castle’, it read.
“How could I have missed that!” he hissed.
Willard grabbed the book and began to read: It is impossible to kill ghosts. Your best bet is to make friends with them to live with them peaceably. Do NOT enlist the help of witches as they only want to see you perish and love to see an explosive ending to a totally unwarranted war. Trying to battle with spooks is like hitting a beehive and having the bees rush out on you in a swarm attracting the attention of other bees in the area. Seek out the ghost leaders and have a ‘sit down’ conversation and come to a compromise so you can all live together. As a wizard, you will find many benefits to having ghosts around your castle. I repeat, do NOT wage war on ghosts or you will find yourself without a castle to pee in.
Willard grumbled and mumbled and gave Weeza a very scathing glance.
“You better read through your spell books a few more times before jumping into a war with these supernatural beings…Hahaha! You are a dear friend, Willard, but a bit daft and behind-the-times when it comes to dealing with spooks and witches,” the old witch chortled in glee. “I couldn’t resist playing on your ignorance and did hope you would figure it out. I’m a witch! I do what I do best; allow havoc and mayhem to enter this world. Please forgive me.”
“Yah, well, you better have a bed waiting for me in your house, because mine is ruined.”
“We will rebuild, Willard! Wasn’t this fun? Hahahaha!”
“Let me research my answer before I team up with you, again.”
The castle crumbled into a final avalanche of mortar, and the remaining ghosts gathered in the courtyard. Willard sheepishly rambled over to meet and greet them, his tail between his legs.
© 2016, Rebecca Braun. All rights reserved.
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