The Tale of Two Patios

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‘Twas the night before Summer, when all through the lands
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lamb.
The baskets were hung from the patio with care,
in hopes that the Leaf Fairies soon would be there…

The bugs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of petunias danced in their heads.
Ruth the Tin Sunflower, and me, and my cat,
Had just settled our brains for a hot, muggy nap

When, from one patio down, there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter.
Away to the railing I frightenedly dashed,
Tore-ass to the edge, quick as a flash.

The moon lit the alley, thus reflecting its glow
and cast mournful dread on the dark deck below.
When, what to my curious eyes should appear,
but a blood-curdling beast, absorbing all cheer.

With a snarled lip, this monster was quick,
I knew in a moment she had to be sick.
More rapid than gunfire, she cursed as she came.
She sputtered and shouted, she couldn’t refrain.

“Now asshole, you listen! You’re a boldface abuser!
Your flowers drop water and make you a loser!
From your porch to my porch and onto faux plants!
Your water drops drop and out come these rants!”

As still as a gnome, and so stunned was I,
when she ranted and raved and I couldn’t reply.
So on she went, her rage thick as stew,
with frothing, and stomping, and name calling, too.

I had no rebuttal, could do nothing but stare
at her tattered old plaid and her huge fuzzy hair.
My blood pressure boiled, spiked right to the roof,
and as fast as she came, she was gone with a poof.


Author Notes

9 Comments for “The Tale of Two Patios”

Mary Cooney-Glazer

says:

Loved this. As one who loves to dig. plant, sniff, etc. I share your well described dismay. Very clever.

Tim Hillebrant

says:

What a hilarious poem, this must indeed be said.
The sight of that neighbor must fill you with dread.
There’s not much you can do, not with people like that
Except smile and maybe drop upon them a cat.
The surprised look she would give’d be great fun to see.
Right before kitty turned her face to fricassee!
If abusing poor mammals, is not in your plans,
What about snakes? They’d work, you understand?
Lower them carefully from your deck to hers.
Let them go quietly, at night undisturbed.
Let her then wake the next morning alone.
Wondering how serpents became part of her home.
As she goes shrieking into the night.
You can rest knowing you gave her, one very good fright.

Travis Baribeau

says:

Epic poem! Humour in here is spot on. I’m glad it made it into the Maniacal Confessions book and you didn’t end up scraping it. Turned out great 🙂

Lisa Doesburg

says:

This had me rolling, Anisa, (though I swear I read this before a long while back..I could be wrong.) and I could just picture this crazy woman yelling up at the victim. Your rhyming skills are spot on and enjoyable to read. Lots of fun, this one!

Anisa Claire

says:

Thanks, Lisa! Yes, you probably did. I transfered it from the old site 🙂 It’s also in my Absur’D Activity Book, Maniacal Confessions. The victim was me in here… Hahahaha! It’s based on true events o.O

Raymond Tobaygo

says:

Good afternoon, again

Great take on the Night Before Christmas! Really liked how you used different things , et.al. The rhyme, cadence and imagery were spot on. Enjoyed the post!

Take care and stay safe,

Ray

Anisa Claire

says:

Thanks, Ray! I don’t write a whole lot of poetry, but this popped into my head after my neighbour actually did this to me. Hahaha. I thought, better to laugh it off instead of getting mad.

Anisa

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