The Stinkin’ Tooth Fairy

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****SLIGHTLY MORE THAN MILD LANGUAGE WARNING****
~I try not to swear much in my writing, but couldn’t help myself with this one. Sorry!~

~SMACK!~

Jolted from my sleep, my eyes shoot open, and my hand instinctively finds its way to the targeted-assault-zone: my forehead.

“Ouch! What the pickle!” Not used to being attacked during the shuteye process, I’m in shock, as you can tell from my reaction.  “Who… What on EARTH are you?” I scream, in somewhat of a shrill voice.  Shrill for me, anyway.  I mean, I’ve woken up to strange things in my face before.  You know, like dodo birds and whathaveyou, but this creature is totally unnatural. And short. Forgot to mention that part.  Super short.  Sigh. I digress.  Almost forgot about the strange little beast, wielding a lollipop as a weapon, staring into my soul. Right. That.

“The effing tooth fairy.  What the heck else could I be?” It says, in a low, raspy voice.  A voice, might I add, that freakishly resembles a sealion. My goodness, what has this little thing been eating? Wheaties? Must be.  Right, right. I know. Back to the story.

“No, man,” I reply, calmly, of course. I’m not rude.  Geesh.  “The tooth fairy ain’t real.  Did you miss the memo? It went out like, I dunno, four thousand years ago or some shit. Now, please, remove yourself from my realm of reality and head on back to Lost-It-Long-Ago and My-Cheese-has-Completely-Slid-Off-My-Cracker. Thanks.”  Like I said earlier, totally not rude.

“Listen, dipstick, you’re my new apprentice.” The creature’s voice rumbles through my ears.  “It’s your turn to do this crap for a living.  Sounds like YOU missed the memo, pal.”

“Hahaha. You’re a funny little thing, aren’t you?” By this point I’m laughing so hard, tears stream down my cheeks, and onto the squished up pillow under my head.
Without another word, the -ahem-Tooth Fairy (right) waves its disproportionately gigantic lollipop in front of my face and… Poof. Just like that, I’m the fucking tooth fairy. Can you believe that shit?. in a colourful display of I-don’t-know-what, I’m now looking back into my own eyes.Talk about creepy!

“HeeeeEEEeeeey,” I say in a long drawn-out sound.  The sound of my, no, it, no… my voice scares the ever lovin’ jelly beans outta me.  “Puuuuut meeee baaaAAAaaaack.  Yoooouuuu roooOOOOotten muuuttttttant!”  Everything feels like it’s happening in slow motion now, because that’s what my voice sounds like to me.  You know how that is, right? No? Well, never mind then.

The used-to-be-freaky-little-tooth-fairy-but-now-is-me thing smirks, flashing me one big ole tooth stinkin tooth, and the pulls my fluffy pink night shade over its eyes.  The nerve. Angry, but surely not scary, I waddle away… totally defeated.  Where to? No clue.  But I’m sure as hell not sticking around here to watch myself sleep.  There are lines.  And that’s not one I’m willing to cross.

The end. I guess. Kidding! Well, at least until I decide to seek revenge on that gnarly freaking thing that know calls itself me.  Okay. Okay. I’ll stop talking now.

The end. Again.


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