There are doors we keep locked so no one can see the pain and sorrow we have hidden away. We keep them locked from ourselves, as well. Though we might open them a crack, now and then, quickly shutting the door as the rush of ugliness and disgust hits us hard in the face. You feel the pain reach out to grab your heart, knocking the breath from your body, slamming the door shut in fear. But, the door is still there. It can’t be destroyed or forgotten. Only closed tight. Closed and locked to hide our fear.
All our energy is used to keep the door closed. At times, the demons inside struggle to break free. We sweat and tremble, pushing all our weight against the door, keeping the demons at bay. Yet, they still win. They still haunt us and torture us. We don’t want to fight them or face them. We just want them to go away… And so, dark hidden pieces of our soul float aimlessly inside the locked room, plaguing us when we least expect it. Tearing our peace apart. Leaving us no peace and no rest, no matter how hard we try to forget and move on. It seems easier to struggle against the door of pain.
We don’t want the door opened for our loved ones to see. We are afraid they might reject us or leave us if they knew the truth of our darkest despair. But, they already know. They see us struggle. They feel us hiding from our fear. Because they love us and have their own fears locked inside they allow the door to stay hidden. But, it tears a hole in their souls, too. And, both are left with emptiness and hopelessness. Both loving, yet hiding and struggling to keep the demons at bay; secretly hoping and praying for them to disappear. But they won’t disappear. They need to be dealt with.
© 2016, Rebecca Braun. All rights reserved.
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