Locked Doors

There are doors we keep locked so no one can see the pain and sorrow we have hidden away.  We keep them locked from ourselves, as well.  Though we might open them a crack, now and then, quickly shutting the door as the rush of ugliness and disgust hits us hard in the face.  You feel the pain reach out to grab your heart, knocking the breath from your body, slamming the door shut in fear.  But, the door is still there.  It can’t be destroyed or forgotten.  Only closed tight.  Closed and locked to hide our fear.

All our energy is used to keep the door closed.  At times, the demons inside struggle to break free.  We sweat and tremble, pushing all our weight against the door, keeping the demons at bay.  Yet, they still win.  They still haunt us and torture us.  We don’t want to fight them or face them.  We just want them to go away…  And so, dark hidden pieces of our soul float aimlessly inside the locked room, plaguing us when we least expect it.  Tearing our peace apart.  Leaving us no peace and no rest, no matter how hard we try to forget and move on.  It seems easier to struggle against the door of pain.

We don’t want the door opened for our loved ones to see.  We are afraid they might reject us or leave us if they knew the truth of our darkest despair.  But, they already know.  They see us struggle.  They feel us hiding from our fear.  Because they love us and have their own fears locked inside they allow the door to stay hidden.  But, it tears a hole in their souls, too.  And, both are left with emptiness and hopelessness.  Both loving, yet hiding and struggling to keep the demons at bay; secretly hoping and praying for them to disappear.  But they won’t disappear.  They need to be dealt with.


Author Notes

Letters and poems to Jim.

11 Comments for “Locked Doors”

says:

I think we all take turns with locked doors, open doors. When the door is locked there are many ways to open it – pray, lunch with a friend, pet a dog, cat, sunshine, someone is worse off than you, a counselor, a massage, a long walk even in the rain, mini vacation. All this is easy to say but I like to find that rainbow. Some don’t and they stay in that dark place. Sad. Excellent writing Becky.

says:

Excellent, Becky! A powerful piece. We all have our demons to hide, some do a better job than others. I see a counselor here on occasion, as a kind of release valve. Without letting a little steam off, I probably would have exploded years ago.

Very well done. No nits that haven’t already been found. Write on!

Tim Hillebrant

says:

Hugs, Becky!

I liked this piece because it really says so much.

A little something I picked up along the way- usually, those with their own doors of pain become very adept at seeing the doors others try to hide. Even when those hiding said doors from the world, they can be seen by the trained eye.

I’ve found, with my own doors of pain, it’s easier to help myself with my doors by finding ways to help others with theirs. In a world fraught with negativity, it’s all the easier to believe the bad stuff about ourselves. It’s already blasted at us every which way we turn.
The trick, is to recognize what’s being blasted isn’t to us, directly. It’s to the world because those who live in the world can’t deal with their own pain.
What is meant for us to hear, will be told to us in ways’ we’ll understand.
And it’s in the understanding we get the tools to do what we need to do to cope and heal.

Sorry for the book- I really did connect with this piece.

Well done!
Tim

says:

Thank you, Tim. It’s very frustrating and heartbreaking to see the doors of someone you love and not be able to talk about them. Knowing they could maybe be healed if they would allow them to be revealed and opened. But, they are not willing to do so. you are right, too… We can sometimes see those doors in others because of our own pain.

Kim Bussey

says:

First, this made me feel you need a hug, so HUGGGGGGG.
Now to the picky stuff.

Though, we might open them a crack, now and then – dump the comma after “Though”

They see us struggle, they feel us hiding from our fear. You have two complete sentences here. Either change the comma to a semi-colon to connect them, or break it into 2 sentences where you have the comma. Personally, I like two separate sentences for a more dramatic feel.

Because they love us and have their own own fears locked inside – Oooops! “own” is in there twice.

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