For The Longest Moment

 

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For the longest moment the world stopped, the air became thick and the branch creaked. I watched the legs twitch, urine ran freely from the bottom of his trouser legs and there was a splash from the shoe that flipped and bounced off the lawn.

Not a sound could be heard inside our home, until the tick, click and roar of the boiler made me jump, the noise I thought a Dragon would make.

For  the longest time, my toys gathered dust on the bedroom floor. My eyes looked like some others eyes, a blank stare looked back from the mirror.

I lay in my bed each night, listening, a soft mewing noise from a kitten we didn’t have came from Mummy’s room. Scared, I crept barefoot in damp pyjamas to her door. Peeping through the crack I could see her,  wrapped in her own arms, her face puckered and wet, she groaned, and  rocked.

Our house was sad. It had dirtied our garden, took my childhood and changed our world, the day it  stole my Dad.


Author Notes

The second half Reconstructed on May 17th 2016. Comments appreciated.

5 Comments for “For The Longest Moment”

reigny dai

says:

The fourth paragraph is outstanding with kitten sounds coming from a pet you didn’t have, but instead your mum. Plus, seeing her wrapped in her own arms and rocking is powerful imagery.

says:

A very small vignette from the eyes of a child. The description of the urine…Wow. The first paragraph is definitely the shining moment in this piece. Then you change voices and the description stops. You start “telling” instead of “showing”. The last line… too much. Try to say it without saying the word “suicide”. Show us the look on his face, the crumpled soiled body, the loss the child feels without blurting out the obvious.

I say these things because you did make a break through here in the first part, Ellen. It is so powerful, the image of him. Keep that going! Great job. 🙂

Write On!
Becky

says:

Hi Rebecca, I removed the word suicide as you rightly said it didn’t need it as the story makes it clear. The subject recalling the event is a young child and as such can only recall from a child’s eyes. The first section is an adult description and the second is the child’s recollection. She wouldn’t have seen the body or face on the ground and only the legs because she was small. I have altered the second half as you will see, your opinion would be welcome.

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