An Immortal Heart Pt 2

** Previously…

It took only a moment to find his thoughts again, and she surfed through them.  Only now that she was fully relaxed, did Jade realize the colossal amount of pain he was in.  The kind of pain which could only be brought on by a broken heart.**

 

A broken heart?  This only served to confuse Jade more, so she plunged deeper into her trance like state, trying to make sense of what she saw and felt, and compared this against the events of the day before.  Thinking back, she remembered…

It was just after lunch at school, and Jade sat alone in the staircase just next to the trophy room, texting her brother on her phone while trying to avoid unwanted attention from other students.  Except attention was exactly what she got when Johnny Brady and his best friend Blake Jackson approached her.

She didn’t even need to scan their thoughts to know their intent.  It was written in their swaggering steps, and the smug, confident smiles plastered on their gorilla faces.  The two hulking young men took up positions at the bottom of the stairs, and Jade repressed a smile.  The pilot and his wingman.  This should be good.

“Hi Jade,” Johnny said, his thumbs hooked through the belt loops of his faded jeans.

Jade ignored him, continuing to text her brother while the two boys waited for her to respond.  After several long seconds of no acknowledgement, Blake piped in, “Hey, Jade, how’s it going?”

Keeping her eyes on her phone, Jade reached out and immediately felt the rising frustration in the other two.  They didn’t like being ignored.  Johnny was the taller of the two, with the beginnings of a beer gut from too many parties and not enough time in the gym.  His sandy blond hair crept down along his collar line, while the fluorescent lights above reflected on his oily, sweaty, teenage skin.  His eyes were set a little far back in his skull, which only heightened the gorilla impression in Jade’s opinion.  He had a snaggle tooth, which showed when he smiled.

Blake was heavier set, with a buzz cut and with metal studs piercing his ears.  His denim jacket covered a black concert Tee-shirt advertising some heavy metal band, which clashed horribly with the tan corduroy trousers and work boots he wore for shoes.  Braces covered his bottom teeth, loosened during an injury he incurred while playing rugby, or so he told everyone.

Raising one eyebrow, Jade lifted her eyes from the phone in her hands to look both boys in the face for a long second before returning her attention to the little screen.  She hoped the message was clear: Go away, I’m not interested.

Except the boys didn’t see it that way.  The brush off only served to irritate them, bruising their tender egos even more.  Their facial expressions showed this, even as Johnny reached out and put a hand on her arm, “Maybe you didn’t hear us.  We said ‘Hi’ to you.”

A hundred options flashed through Jade’s mind as her senses jumped to high alert.  While she was perfectly capable of dealing with the two brash, cocksure young men, it wouldn’t be in her best interests to do so.  Immortals and Humans don’t mix.  The only reason she attended school at all was to keep up appearances of being human in a world overpopulated with them.  Drawing attention to herself would not be a good idea.

It affronted her that the two boys thought it okay to touch her just because she didn’t give them the attention they wanted.  Why couldn’t they just go away?


Author Notes

Part 2 of the story I wrote for the 3DN contest last year.

Any critiques, opinions, edits, etc., are welcome.

Story thus far: Jade, an immortal who looks like a human, is curious about a boy, and goes to his home in the dead of night to learn more about him. While there, she telepathically follows his thoughts as he replays the events of the day before.

8 Comments for “An Immortal Heart Pt 2”

Mary Cooney-Glazer

says:

Excellent description of the two thugs-in-the-making. Jade is even more mysterious. She seems to have trouble fathoming a broken heart. Does she have a heart? Or does something else keep her alive? She is one powerful being, that’s clear.

Raymond Tobaygo

says:

Good evening, Tim

Now reading about Jade makes more sense…she’s an immortal.

I enjoyed the post. My humble suggestion is maybe a bit more dialogue between Jade and the boys, but then again, maybe she finds it distasteful talking to them.

A few possible nits:
She didn’t (even) need to scan their thoughts to know their intent.
swaggering steps (,) and the smug
His sandy(-) blond hair
However, (it annoyed her) (affronted her) that

Take care and stay safe,

Ray

charles stone

says:

For me, I think the story would flow cleaner if Part 2 was in fact Part 1.
I would like to see the story begin with Jade in the stairwell. For me, it makes part 1 easier to understand. I had to re-read several passages in part 1 to understand that Jade wasn’t human. Also, part 2 sets the story up much clearer and cleaner. Write On.

says:

You really tapped in to Jade’s sense of ‘otherness’, Tim. Everything is so new and strange to her. Well done..

Edit notes:

1. This only [served to confuse](confused) Jade more[,](; or new sentence) so she plunged deeper into her trance like state, trying to make sense of what she saw and felt, and compared this against the events of the day before.

2. It was just after lunch at school[, and](; or new sentence) Jade sat alone in the staircase just next to the trophy room, texting her brother on her phone while trying to avoid unwanted attention from other students.

says:

I love the description of the one boy with a snaggle tooth! I take it the first section is an introduction to Jade and her immortal powers of telepathy. The first section flows so beautifully, and I love that you are using the dream-surfing approach or mind-surfing. The Part 2 section is abruptly different in tone and style, as now the setting is school, and possibly overly descriptive in describing the appearance of the boy characters. This could possibly be done more through conversation or physical movement, though it is clear Jade doesn’t want to talk to them…lol You are giving us a strong connection to Jade, and I am interested to see how this story begins to play out.

Nits:
-trance like (trance-like)
-Tee-shirt (T-shirt or tee shirt, I think)
-brush off (brush-off)
-“it wouldn’t be in her best interest{s} to do so.”

Looking forward to the next segment of the story!

Write On!
Becky

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