An Immortal Heart Pt 1

Three in the morning is an odd time for anyone to be out walking.  Yet that’s exactly what Jade Keeler was doing.  Her pace showed purpose, even as she moved along the quiet neighborhood, at the edge of a small town in the middle of nowhere.

The breeze played gently with the leaves in the mature trees standing guard in the yards of the homes she passed.  The swishing sounds masked her footsteps as she moved, her eyes locked on a home just a few houses ahead.  There was something she wanted to investigate further.

The only light  came from the half-moon above, and the streetlights lining the neighborhood roads.  The orange light they shined splashed in garish contrast to the darkness created by the night.  Stars from the cloudless sky twinkled, but offered little light of their own.  They did, however, lend a bit of romantic mystery to the task Jade sought to complete.

As her destination came into view, Jade moved off the sidewalk, and into the yards of the homes she passed.  Gathering herself, she leapt up to the roof of a ranch style home, then proceeded along the tops of four more homes before landing lightly on top of the one she wanted.

A feeling of excitement, tinged with a little nervousness washed over her fair skinned features.  The young man, a mortal who lived in the home upon which she now sat, intrigued her.

Crouching down, Jade closed her brilliant violet eyes, the silver flecks in them seeming to glow a little as the lids shut over them.  Concentrating, she reached out with her mind, sorting through the flashes of surface thought, dreams, and emotions of those who lived within the home.  Scanning through them much like one does TV channels, Jade soon came to the thoughts and emotions of the one she wanted to find, though he didn’t seem to be sleeping well.  A little smile played at the corners of Jade’s lips as she realized he was thinking over the previous day’s events too.

 

With a leap of cat-like grace, Jade jumped off the roof, and landed in the yard surrounding his home.  Her eyes scanned quickly around the yard, both checking for a place to settle in and hide, as well as making sure there were no dogs around.  Quickly satisfying herself of her safety, Jade smiled as her eyes landed on the bushes next to the house.  She crept in behind them, settled herself down, and relaxed.  This made things much easier, and allowed her an even better opportunity to hopefully get some answers.  Her back rested against the outside wall, her dark clothing standing out in contrast to the white wall.  The bush she hid behind made for perfect camouflage.

It took only a moment to find his thoughts again, and she surfed through them.  Only now that she was fully relaxed, did Jade realize the colossal pain he was in.  The kind of pain which could only be brought on by a broken heart.


Author Notes

Last year, I took part in the 3 Day Novel Contest. While I didn't win, or even place, I did come up with a story I felt worth writing.
In reading it to prepare for this post, it makes me think I should go back and revisit it for a while.

As always- edits, nits, comments, and opinions are welcome!

11 Comments for “An Immortal Heart Pt 1”

Mary Cooney-Glazer

says:

Jade is intriguing. Curious about her unusual powers and why she is interested in a particular human. You’ve certainly hooked me with this well-written start.
Enjoyed it.

Raymond Tobaygo

says:

Good afternoon, Tim

Excellent hook. our description of your character leads me to believe it’s part cat, apart human. Very intriguing piece

Observations:

The flow seemed a bit awkward, maybe? (and the streetlights lining the neighborhood roads(, their orange light (they shined) splashed in garish contrast to the darkness created by the night.
.
off the sidewalk (,) and into the

Enjoyed!

take care and stay safe,

Ray

says:

Hey, Tim! I remember you entering the 3 Day Novel Contest. Glad to finally read this story. This is a good start that in the end leaves one wanting to know more. I personally haven’t found any nits that haven’t already been caught.

Nice write!

Michaela. 🙂

says:

Great opener, Tim. I’m totally digging Jade already. Looking forward to more.

Edit notes:

1. Gathering herself, she leapt up to the roof of a ranch style home, [then proceeded along](and tiptoed, trundled, sprinted… use a stronger verb) the tops of four more homes before landing lightly on top of the one she wanted. <-- you totally have an opportunity to paint this more cat-like. 2. Concentrating, she reached out with her mind[, sorting](and sorted, reads better to me) through the flashes of surface thought, dreams, and emotions of those who lived within the home. 3. Scanning through them much like one does TV channels, Jade soon [came](tuned? stronger verb) to the thoughts and emotions of the one she wanted to find[, though he didn’t seem to be sleeping well.](might be a place for internal italicized monolog. *He wasn't sleeping well.*)

says:

Wow. This is an awesome introduction to your story! I am very intrigued, and you did a masterful job of adding in needed information and character description without dumping anything, and getting us hooked immediately. I am very interested to read more of this story!

I think I will begin posting mine, too. You have given me inspiration to look at my story, again. 🙂

The only little nit I had was with this paragraph:
“The breeze played gently with the leaves in the mature trees standing guard in the yards of the homes she passed. The swishing sounds masked her footsteps as she moved, her eyes locked on a home just a few houses ahead. There was something she wanted to investigate further.”

The “swishing sounds” threw me off. After reading it a few times, I realized the swishing sounds must be the trees swaying in the breeze?

Write On!
Becky

Tim Hillebrant

says:

Hi Becky,

Thanks for reading, and I appreciate the nit. I think the paragraph you mentioned could be condensed down into something like- The swishing sounds of the wind in the trees masked her footsteps as she passed by them, her eyes locked on a home a few houses ahead. Maybe something like that?

Thanks for the assist- always appreciated!!

Tim

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